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Fucking The Voice.

So, I'm incapable of sitting through an episode of The Voice (S09). I get jealous, then inspired, then 25 minutes later I'm distracted working on a setlist for the imaginary gig I might have.

Or like tonight, I just finished writing what I'm going to say in my About Me section of the video audition I'll be submitting for next season's The Voice.
Sure. I've just got to get my iPhone out, prop it up against something, frame the shot of my couch just right, I've already said "fuck this shit" in my head like thirty times just typing this sentence...
At least, this was supposed to be my About Me entry, but it somehow became too personal and too real really quickly.
[insert Will Farrell, "Well, that escalated quickly" meme.]
No, I'm not gonna Google and post that for you. Just imagine it. You know the one.
On second thought, I think I'll just leave the intro to this:

My name is Marc Gray. I’m originally from Ft. Lauderdale, FL, and I’ve been living here in Charlotte for 10 years now since college.Collapse )

I went to school for music. I’ve got this piece of paper that says, “Marc knows how to do music,” except I don’t know now how to start doing something in music from this place. So, I’m a technician, and a sometimes- teacher, songwriter, and musician. But, I have little to show for it.

I feel like after going through so much upheaval and change I owe it to myself now to get back to what I love, give this a shot, and see where it leads. I don’t know… I’ve always been so concerned about how others would feel and what they’d think, but I’ve realized that this is my story and I’m the only one who’s gotta live it.

So recently I’ve been writing and playing again, and learning to record simple little demos at home, on my iPad. It started with recording these covers with a friend of mine a couple years ago on his couch, and that’s what you’re gonna see here: These are two clips, recorded on separate days, at his place after getting off work.

[“When I Was Your Man,” Bruno Mars cover, Marc Gray.]

[“I’ll Follow You,” Shinedown cover, Marc Gray.]
Oh boy, do I have a lot to write about...

I'll go into detail after work.

Just had our first show tonight as Random House Live at Wild Wing Cafe, University.
My feet hurt, my back is sore, and I smell from sweating all night. I'm so glad I got to do this.
Yet I can't shake feeling like I didn't do enough. What's that about?
Plus, only David came. I'm so grateful for having a great friend like him, but for some reason tonight reinforced my presiding sense of loneliness.

On the plus side, I got a compliment on my blue toboggan.


I just read through some of my previous posts. I've realized it's time for this journal to become private.


If I Get This Job I'll Ask Her Out

One should only ever date strangers.
If one should date and then break up with a friend, one could potentially lose a friend-maybe even a good friend. He may lose many friends as acquaintances choose sides.
If one should date and break up with a stranger met once, at worst, he loses a stranger.
(… or even gain friends.)


May. 30th, 2013

I can't focus.
I'm at work, and can't work.
I can only concentrate on questions:
Will I lose my job today?
Will I find something to replace that income?
Will God really provide?
Will I ever find an appropriate job?
Will I be relegated to working at an insurance company selling policies to people over the phone just so I can make enough money to stay in my apartment and make payments on my education loans?

I'm behind on many of my bills.
I have student loans (a different set of loans) that are on the verge of default, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix it because I can't even show that I'll have a job in the coming months to pay those monthly bills even if I did consolidate - which I do not know how to do.
I need to take on private lessons students for voice and piano.

I have been threatened that if I do not remit lessons to my students that missed several lessons FOR SCHOOL FUNCTIONS I will be docked $500 of income from my June and July paychecks.

No job lined up for the fall.
No second income lined up for the summer.

Today I feel like just ending it all and escaping.

I graduated and can't make ends meet. What was the point of school?
I put myself in catastrophic debt for this degree which has not yet amounted to gainful employment.
I don't know what I'm missing, God, but today I desperately need you to step in.

I'm so scared.
More so today than usual.

Reading . . .

. . . back through this Journal is eye-opening. I've changed a lot in only two years.

I haven't decided yet how I feel about that.

You Know Why I'm Still Single?

You know why I'm still single?
Because I'm brainwashed. I've been brainwashed by corporate media to believe that I'm gonna find love, or relationship, or infatuation through some chance happening where I bump in to a random girl in the middle of some quirky or inconsequential event, and she'll find me utterly charming, and I'll find her absolutely irresistable. And, we'll set off on an eventful course of excursions and escapades where we discover for ourselves that we are the, respectfully, perfect one for the eachotheR. And, our lives will be inextricably intertwined forever as we venture on to our futures, enjoying the fruits of love, and happiness, for the rest of our mortal days. Cue the ending sequence of The Notebook.
And, shit doesn't happen that way.
I don't find myself stuck on the subway platform just seconds away from making it aboard, standing, stranded, beside some gorgeous, brunette, girl-next-door in a sundress, though it's raining. Shit doesn't happen that way.
I don't accidentally trip her and myself while rushing to class, stumbling and nearly collapsing across the quad in a heap of books, notebook paper, man. No, she doesn't find my awkwardness and ineptitude at flirtation refreshing and, oddly, beguiling; I don't sweep her off her feet with a witty line about how I could sue her since the accident was 50% her fault as, obviously, her shoes happen to have been untied.
No. We find our places in situations. Where we participate, along with a group of whatever size, with the people we will know. We have first impressions and opportunties to surprise and replace first impressions. We have location. Where we're literally stuck in a locale for time. During that time we have the opportunities to meet whomever may happen to also be stuck in that locale for a corresponding period of time. And then, again, we have first impressions, and so on.
What if I've used up all the first impressions and locations in my certain period of time? I need to find a new locale or afford myself new situations in which to have more first impressions.
What if I can't do that?
What if I work where I work and I do what I do, and I can afford to live where I can afford to live, therefore, I live where I live?
. . . Hmm . . .
Well . . . then, it would seem one has then used up all of his situations and locations for the time being - until he finds himself in a new situation/locale . . . whenever that may be.
This is why I'm single.
Isn't it interesting
How when you finally discover
A completely well-adjusted,
Human being
They seem

#moveout2012 #roommatesearch
Apparently, as a musician in the real world I'm not worth paying unless I can play a guitar or piano. Wish someone told me this before I got a degree in Voice.